Every year I do a private annual review. On New Year’s Eve, I was home with my family and felt antsy. I sat in the backyard and this tumbled out. It seems right to have it here alongside my creative archive.
This content is not exhaustive. It’s just the few learnings about myself that I couldn’t keep in. Plus, my reading list for the year because I love it when friends or strangers share book recommendations.
Themes I set for 2023
Legacy
Community
Body and mind
What I learned about myself
People swarm around me. I have this image in my head of one single lightbulb hanging somewhere outside — on a patio or in an open barn. Wherever the bulb is, it is the single source of light. You can imagine moths, flies, and beetles bumping into the bulb and fluttering around it, disoriented.
I’m the light. People are drawn to me. So much so that in 2023 there were instances in which I looked around and realized there were so many insects that my light couldn’t shine through.
In 2023 I promised more of myself to others than I ever have. I’ve always identified as a selfish person. I leave parties without saying goodbye. I live alone. I do whatever I want, whenever I want. Or at least, that is how it feels. Meanwhile, two of my best friends got married last year — two of the loves of my life.
Being in someone’s wedding, if you do it right, is selfless. That is the beauty of a wedding. It is all about the two people at the center.
It turns out that if I’ve selected someone to be in my life, love and loyalty outweigh selfishness. I show up because I want to show up. I never let go, because I can’t imagine a world in which our hands are clasped together.
The result of these two facts (weddings being selfless and me clasping hands) was that in 2023 my capacity to love and support my community outside these two weddings was limited.
That’s when I started to think about the bulb and the moths. Insects swarming, bumping me, and taking the little light I had left.
Some of these moths were extraneous relationships. I let those go. Some were dynamics within meaningful relationships. Those I worked to change.
“I’m in love with you.” Last year someone fell in love with me. Hearing the phrase, “I’m in love with you” must be rare. This was my first time hearing it. Thinking through friends and family, I figure most people are “fallen in love with” only a handful of times.
A friend asked, “How does it feel?”. I wasn’t sure. The mainstream doesn’t acknowledge the shape of my relationship with this person. So, I didn’t have social reference points to fall back on. I was not surprised like I thought I would be. I wasn’t relieved, excited, or nervous.
I felt scared, but not of being hurt. I felt scared of hurting him. Until that moment, I’d assumed I wasn’t capable of hurting someone.
Communication with and care for my past selves. Please hold. I’m working on a personal essay about a pie pop-up I created with a group of friends. We’ll go into this in detail.
Assertion, dominance, and identity. I’ve spent time over the last few years exploring power dynamics. Last year I entered into a casual relationship centered around power. The plan was to switch back and forth between D/S. I started in the dominant position.
Quick callout, power play is not (for me) about pain, torture, or sex. If you're fantasizing about leather and whips, I love that for you 😏 I ask that you don’t project the image onto me. The first time I played with dominance I was with a close friend in his kitchen. I told him to eat hummus with a spoon. It was so unnatural. I could barely get the words out. “Eat that hummus with a spoon” is not the same as, “Do you want to eat some hummus? Here is a spoon.” I had never commanded someone in that way — ever.
The power dynamic I entered in 2023 allowed me to be assertive in a new way. Can you imagine a relationship where you can say/do anything without fear of judgment? I held space for both her and I, but didn’t hyperanalyze our every conversation. It was my role to not care[0]. My partner didn’t know anything about my life (at least in the beginning), but she knew exactly what I wanted at any given moment.
Knowing what you want and saying what you want is power.
[0] This is a simplification of the dynamic. If one of my 5 followers wants to discuss this in more detail, just hit me up.
2023 book list (and a few short stories)
Three books worth calling out are:
Middlesex
All about love
The Novelist
Two short stories I loved from this year:
The Metal Bowl (my favorite short story)
